O Captain! My Captain!

As I woke up to a sleep deprived grumpiness today morning and sifted through my twitter timeline, I read a tweet – the first of many which said “Rest In peace Robin Williams”. I rubbed my eyes hard to shake off the grogginess hoping what I read was just an error of my sleepy eyes. It was crushing, the eyes had read it right, it took me a second to realize that the man I adored the most in Hollywood, a man who has had so much influence throughout my growing years is no more. Even he was a mere mortal. A hand just pierced through my stomach pulling out my guts with searing pain rising up to my quivering lips, my eyes went moist and there was no dust to blame the tears on. A celebrity’s death had totally crushed me.

I wandered into a limbo, with my mind staring at the slowly rotating fan remembering a loop of great moments from his movies, stand-up and talk shows. Great moments etched into my memory. Moments of uninhibited madness, moments of irresistible enthusiasm, moments of deep empathy, moments of acting brilliance, every single human emotion I cared about was finally personified by a single man and I realized that today – a day when he is no more amongst us.
He was someone who proclaimed he dreaded “Art”, sitting on a bench with a shabby beard and unruly hair under a cap, he delivered a wondrous monologue – a monologue which defined the essence of life for me, made me take my first steps towards achieving something, and made me sit down and think about a goal. He stared into my eyes, half broken, lingering and told me “Your move, Chief!” I came back to reality, the fan was still rotating, nothing had changed he was actually no more.

I curled on my bed not able to accept it, and a fine Mr.Keating entered the loop. He was exuberant, childish, and witty. He showed me the intoxicating charm of a language, danced around, used seductive words, made me take an interest in the fascinating world of literature. He whispered in my ear - Carpe Diem. He enticed me, shouting out with that impish smile “But only in dreams can a man be truly free, it was always thus and always thus will be”. That whisper still rings in my ear, that impish smile has started to make me slowly accept that I won’t be able see that live on a stage anymore, a regretful deletion from my bucket list. I wished it was just a dream and that tweet was just a truly free brain wandering. I see the fan, rotating, showing me it isn’t a dream. I broke down. Two great lessons as a child and the man who taught me that was no more.

He was a superhuman, he could be whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and still stand out as an individual. The voice of so many endearing characters Genie, Popeye, the timekeeper, robots. He was a cartoon stuck in a human body. A human who made animated graphics take on a character, gain a personality and made us either love or hate them. Suddenly he shouts out loud breaking my limbo “When in doubt, make a dick joke.” I chuckled a bit, even in death this man had made me laugh.

I remembered him sticking up against his boss when he said “You are in dire need of a blowjob than any other white man in history”. He moved around explaining to me what loss is – losing someone you love more than yourself. He made me laugh and then just sit down still and cry, all within a moment. He spread laughter to millions around the world and still died depressed. As the academy tweeted, Genie was finally free.

An astonishing story teller, he could make a board game come alive and thrill our senses. A man so versatile every act, every movement of his was a discovery in the field of comedy. A genius untouched by bad taste and committed to entertain people. The man who dreaded “art” made entertainment an art form. I return back to my dazed state, slowly realizing it is best to let go. I have a day ahead, I remember O captain! My captain - a specific verse :

“Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead. “

It is bittersweet, I switch off the fan and lock the room. The powerful play goes on and I have to contribute my verse to it. Rest in peace my crazy diamond.

Crossroads?

That feeling, yes I have got that feeling where the words don’t flow out, the ideas remain unexpressed filling the mind with angst, everything that you write or sense makes you feel mediocre, no one can help you out. What is going on? The world is ending, all that I vouched for has disappeared, what is missing here…Where is the driving force?

Motivation is the word upon which a life must thrive upon, the lack of it doesn’t let you do anything, something or the other must motivate you. As I sit on my bed thinking what is that one thing that is affecting me right now, motivating me, I come across none… nothing too inspiring, nothing to have an opinion about, yeah sure people are dying, parents are shouting ,world is moving but what is there for me here that is changing my life, nothing- college is over, not giving a rat’s ass about marks, job beckons, sitting on the bed thinking where is that one thing that led me until here? not able to find it anywhere , did I lose it somewhere in between, or is it hidden struggling to come out, it’s frustrating, I am not able to feel anything … have I become immune to my heart, where are the emotions…Can this lack of motivation turn into a motivation for living, I surely hope so…

Living just to find that missing ingredient, life is never complete just because that missing ingredient can never be found to complete the recipe. Not making an effort would not be the right way to put it. There is something wrong, nothing has changed but still that motivation has vanished into thin air, can’t feel the water trickling as I shower, going places but strangely they fail to impress me it’s the same as lying on my bed staring at a blank wall. What have I turned into, what have the people I am looking at turned into. Where is the joy of feeling the moment around you? That feeling of hope and expectations…

The same mechanical construction sound rumbling in the background, strangely reflecting the mechanical way of life… staring into the same blank hoardings in the city skyline as you ride through, the moon just a big mass of white globule which seems uninteresting, that lonely ant on its way home everyday , what is happening? Where am I? What’s going on… that lonely face by the window with something deeply sad about it, I can’t see that sadness now, have I lost something which let me perceive and feel… what did you say? How does it matter…?

A rut has been formed it has to be broken, everything that is happening is the same, the angst and frustration need to be shown, the terrace wall bears the hard punch..Aah my hand pains… I shout out through the tear laden eyes at that lonely banyan tree, I feel its smirking at my life…a hopeful screech of exasperation at the mighty sun. everything in life is not about breaking down the problem and solving it, sometimes knowing the problem becomes the solution but where did anything go wrong everything is the same as before…

This search is painful, joy of discovering it -GONE, while I move slowly towards a new phase of life, the fear of not getting all that I have seem to have lost is killing me… is it time to let go and look forward or consolidate and remain I have no idea… I want to find that something that I have lost

Why am I feeling like this? Does anyone else feel like this? Completely lost, is this what you call the “CROSSROADS”…? I need to sleep

chaddi ke peeche kya hai.....??

I realised of late that i read the most in my bathroom ...those 10 to 15 minutes in the bathroom is the time when everything from the day's newspaper to the current novel is read by me..i have been doing it for the last 10 years.

This is how it all started. Once i was seen going into the bathroom with a book in hand by my dad...as i came out my dad shred the book into pieces and then was ready to shred me into pieces... as i was getting whacked for disrespecting goddess Saraswathi, although what he had done while shredding the book was not of importance, all i could do then was to concentrate on the song "CHOLI KE PEECHE KYA HAI" running on tv at that moment and Voila!!an idea!

From next day onwards everything right from the newspaper to any novel was hid behind my pant right behind the elastic as i went into the bathroom...the only fear was getting busted due to the strange rectangular outline on my pant...and every time i had to go to the bathroom instead of dressing down i had to dress up with a loose shirt to cover the strange rectangular outline..Now my brain is working on an idea on how to hide my laptop as i go in to the washroom...its difficult trust me.

This habit has led me to a chronic book lifting habit which never seems to go away. Every time i go to a mall with a bookstore there is this sudden urge to lift a book and push it behind the chaddi :D... and i have been successful till today and up to 26 books have become mine for free...so much for the child brain which came up with this incredible idea ...