Crossroads?

That feeling, yes I have got that feeling where the words don’t flow out, the ideas remain unexpressed filling the mind with angst, everything that you write or sense makes you feel mediocre, no one can help you out. What is going on? The world is ending, all that I vouched for has disappeared, what is missing here…Where is the driving force?

Motivation is the word upon which a life must thrive upon, the lack of it doesn’t let you do anything, something or the other must motivate you. As I sit on my bed thinking what is that one thing that is affecting me right now, motivating me, I come across none… nothing too inspiring, nothing to have an opinion about, yeah sure people are dying, parents are shouting ,world is moving but what is there for me here that is changing my life, nothing- college is over, not giving a rat’s ass about marks, job beckons, sitting on the bed thinking where is that one thing that led me until here? not able to find it anywhere , did I lose it somewhere in between, or is it hidden struggling to come out, it’s frustrating, I am not able to feel anything … have I become immune to my heart, where are the emotions…Can this lack of motivation turn into a motivation for living, I surely hope so…

Living just to find that missing ingredient, life is never complete just because that missing ingredient can never be found to complete the recipe. Not making an effort would not be the right way to put it. There is something wrong, nothing has changed but still that motivation has vanished into thin air, can’t feel the water trickling as I shower, going places but strangely they fail to impress me it’s the same as lying on my bed staring at a blank wall. What have I turned into, what have the people I am looking at turned into. Where is the joy of feeling the moment around you? That feeling of hope and expectations…

The same mechanical construction sound rumbling in the background, strangely reflecting the mechanical way of life… staring into the same blank hoardings in the city skyline as you ride through, the moon just a big mass of white globule which seems uninteresting, that lonely ant on its way home everyday , what is happening? Where am I? What’s going on… that lonely face by the window with something deeply sad about it, I can’t see that sadness now, have I lost something which let me perceive and feel… what did you say? How does it matter…?

A rut has been formed it has to be broken, everything that is happening is the same, the angst and frustration need to be shown, the terrace wall bears the hard punch..Aah my hand pains… I shout out through the tear laden eyes at that lonely banyan tree, I feel its smirking at my life…a hopeful screech of exasperation at the mighty sun. everything in life is not about breaking down the problem and solving it, sometimes knowing the problem becomes the solution but where did anything go wrong everything is the same as before…

This search is painful, joy of discovering it -GONE, while I move slowly towards a new phase of life, the fear of not getting all that I have seem to have lost is killing me… is it time to let go and look forward or consolidate and remain I have no idea… I want to find that something that I have lost

Why am I feeling like this? Does anyone else feel like this? Completely lost, is this what you call the “CROSSROADS”…? I need to sleep